I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
