i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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