you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
