My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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