Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
