I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I understand Curling. That high.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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