I could have mohawked her pubes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
A+ Viking dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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