I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
