and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
