he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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