Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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