I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
