Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My vagina just recognized that song.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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