Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
