he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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