Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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