I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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