Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
