I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
