Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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