Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Panties = found
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
