Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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