last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
