I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize