So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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