I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
