1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
