When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
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My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
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My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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