we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just blew my weed a kiss
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
