The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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