The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
