Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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