ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
