it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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