I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize