We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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