I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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