im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
