Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
