you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
40s are totally the cure
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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