What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
