the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
