Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
