I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Everything about him screamed your future.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
