I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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