I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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