cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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