btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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