so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
