We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
