I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
