but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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