I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
