there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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