My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
